the news

I've hesitated sharing my news.  A part of me feels wrong sharing it here.  I'm pregnant and this time was just as miraculous as the last because it was unassisted.  The Dr. said we should play the lottery.  I was in shock and denial and now at 7 months pregnant I am only now starting to feel like maybe disaster isn't lurking around the corner.  I feel lucky because really I'm not supposed to be able to have babies without medical intervention.  I'm taking it and running.  Baby girl comes in June.

You don't choose IVF, it chooses you.

I don't think the general public understands IVF.  Many seem to view is as a way to control an outcome.  $15,000 to guarantee a boy, a girl or twins, they think, what a bargain!  Really? $15,000 for what you can do for free?  And that's a bargain?

IVF isn't something that you do for the hell of it.  You don't put yourself through the physical and emotional side effects just because.  You don't take multiple pills and make yourself a pin cushion unless you have run out of other options.  Everything else failed.  IVF is a last resort.

Ethical issues about choosing gender or multiples aside the truth about IVF is that it's not a guarantee.  It's a gamble.  It doesn't always work.  Embryos don't always take.  The harsh reality, that is our reality, is one that the general public doesn't get.

Which brings me to my next point.  Who really thinks that it is okay to talk to an infertile about this?  Treating IVF as it is a casual thing.  The insensitivity astounds me.  Making one of the most emotional experiences of my life into no big deal?
 'Anyone should do it if they want a boy/girl/multiples!'
 'It's no big deal to pony up that kind of money to have a baby!'

 I mean really?

the purple pills

My hormone check came back and my numbers were higher.  AMH was up from .20 to .70.  FSH went from 11 to 6.  I was kind of shocked.  I knew that numbers could fluctuate but I guess I never really expected them too.  The Dr. said all it really means is that I am at the same place I was before.  Which is good.  It means that I am no worse than I was then, except that I am two years older.  The Dr.  told me that sooner is better than later for another round of IVF.  My husband and I decided to re-evaluate our feelings of readiness in November.

The doc also told me to start taking DHEA hormone supplements.  Apparently some research shows that they help poor responders, such as myself, respond better during IVF.  So I picked them up a month and a half ago and on my counter they sit.  Unopened, untouched.  They stare me down every time I brush my teeth.  There is something about taking the supplement that scares me a little.  It is like it will start up the cycle of hope and disappointment and emotional ups and downs that accompany infertility.  I've been on that merry-go-round and I have mixed feelings about hopping back on.  I know I want to and will try IVF again.  I also know that the fact it worked last time was nothing short of a miracle.  I remember all too well the emotional baggage that accompanies active infertility solution seeking.  I don't every take pre-natals because it feels like it adds that pressure of wishing for a baby so hard every month and getting the constant rejection in return.  Is that strange?  Logically I know that it is somewhat irresponsible seeing as I am using no birth control.  I know I should take all these pills but I'm scared to get back on this particular carousel.

the day I turned 50

I had a hot flash last week.  Middle of the night sweating from every gland, can't cool off hot flash.  I am 28. 28!*%$#  I called my doctor to get all my hormone levels re-checked.  I went and picked up my blood kit and when I walked out of the doctors office I wanted to cry.  I had read in a book about how you never really heal from or get over infertility.  And today it feels true.

"Are your twins natural?"  It's the new "are you pregnant".  You know, that question that you should never ask.  I don't think people realize what exactly they are asking.  One of these days I am going to answer using the words, follicles, reproductive, menopause, eggs, sperm.  All the words I can think of that make everyday people uncomfortable and look at the point over your shoulder.

Wednesday night thoughts

I have been thinking about infertility today.  First, I was going through my blog roll and so happy to see how in the last two years how many of you have had your dreams come true.  I am so happy for you all and my heart is still hopeful for the rest who are still waiting.  I was reading one blog tonight and I had the thought, isn't it interesting how hyper aware we are of our bodies and the journey our babies had to existence?  I have  pictures of my babies before they were even implanted, I have a picture of them being implanted.  Do women who get pregnant without help even think about how this process happens?  I wonder.

I intend to put all these pictures in a book someday.  And perhaps even print out this blog as a kind of journal so my children understand just how much we anticipated them and the journey to get them.  Is that weird?  How do you explain to your children the emotions that surrounded getting pregnant and how much work went into it?  Do you?  I don't really know if that is over sharing or not.

I have had so much anxiety over how much time I have left to have children.  Somehow it was slightly alleviated this week.  It has been nice not to feel as much stress over it.  Although I did still stress out about whether my period was as long as it usually is and wondering if that means I am getting that much closer to menopause.  Menopause.  Bleh.  I had a talk with my doctor about what kind of treatments we will have to do when it comes.  Hormone replacement therapy.  I don't even really know what that means.

I thought it might be different

So my good friend AF returned in December.  I am still breast feeding which made it unexpected.  We are trying a little more actively to get pregnant on our own.  To be honest I thought it would be less stressful this time around.  The old feelings have returned in spades.  The disappointment every time my period comes.  The worry of missing a window.  Did you know that I wanted 4+ children?  I still have a hard time readjusting that dream.  I remind myself constantly how lucky I am to have my 2 but then I find myself dreaming of a couple more.  I want to be ok with the likely possibility that two is what I get, and how lucky that makes me.   I don't want to always be wistful about the others that I didn't get.  Because two is amazing.

We are saving up for another round of ivf in the likely event that trying on our own unsuccessful.  Buying a house is on hold as is a second car because right now is all about babies and trying to have them while I still can.

Long overdue

I have been meaning to give y'all an update for the past four months. The babies are here! I had a scheduled c-section at 37 weeks since baby girl was breech and baby boy was transverse. They were born and were blessedly healthy, baby girl was 7 lbs 3 oz and 19 inches and baby boy was 8 lbs 2 oz and 21 inches. We were so thankful to finally get them, they are beautiful. They are now four months old and growing like weeds.

I decided not to go on birth control on the off chance that I could maybe, possibly, hopefully get pregnant on my own. You know, be one of those miracle stories of someone who spends years doing fertility treatments and then magically gets pregnant on their own? Here's hoping... If that doesn't work I think I will try ivf one more time and see if I can get another miracle baby. I worry about it though, will it work again? Is waiting a year going to be too long? Will I have any eggs left by that point? I try to remind myself that I have two beautiful babies and if I don't get anymore that it will be ok. But the reality of possibly giving up the dreams for a big family is hard. I hope you are all well. I think of you often.
Xoxo

Week 25

Tomorrow marks the beginning of week 25 in my pregnancy. Everything is looking good, the babies have strong heartbeats, my cervix is high and closed, weight gain is on track and the babies are actually measuring one week ahead. The nurse told me that it wasn't enough to change my due date and I almost laughed, I know my due date isn't going to change. I know when these babies were conceived down to the hour.

My prenatal care is being co-managed by my OB and a perinatalogist and I now have weekly appointments at the perinatal clinic to watch how the pregnancy advances. I haven't had any bleeding since Halloween which is good but I have this underlying fear from that experience that hasn't left. Having weekly appointments where I get to hear the heartbeats is going to be good for me.

I am taking calcium supplements and need to start iron and protein supplements to avoid anemia they say. I tried for one day to adjust ,my diet to get the amount of protein and calcium required for a multiple pregnancy. I almost made myself sick, so supplements and a well balanced diet it is.

Three of my sister-in-laws are currently pregnant. One of them hates when the baby moves because it is uncomfortable, I cannot understand this sentiment. Feeling the babies move is reassurance that they are still there and kickin'. When I was a nanny the woman I nannied for was pregnant with her third child. When she went in for her 20 week ultrasound the baby had died and she told me that she should have known something was wrong because she hadn't felt it move for a day or two. I have wondered if her experience has colored my feelings about feeling the baby move. I feel like having these babies is such a miracle and getting the reassurance they are still moving is worth any discomfort it might bring.

On a closing note, we now know that we are having a boy and girl, and we are thrilled. People keep asking me if they are identical (asking this AFTER I have told them they are different genders). I must be missing something because I was always pretty sure, and still am confident that twins have to be the same gender to be identical...

14 weeks

Here is a picture of the twins at 12 weeks. The hemorrhage is gone and everything looks to be progressing normally now. They are measuring correctly and the results came back for trisomy and down's and everything was normal. We are hoping to find out genders next month...

halloween scare

I spent Halloween in the ER. It made for a truly scary Halloween. I started spotting on Sunday and had red spotting last night. And I freaked out. So we went to the ER. Thankfully, thankfully, the babies are ok. I have a hemorrhage between the uterus and the placenta. They say it is small and so long as it doesn't get bigger it could resolve itself. I go to my OB tomorrow for a follow up but am on bed rest for today and tomorrow.

eat, sleep, repeat

That feels like my life these days. Eating to abate hunger and nausea and sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. I am now nine weeks and got the green light from my RE to be turned over to an OB. It feels like a graduation of sorts. Congratulations, you made it through hell, here is the light at the end of your tunnel. And that light? Just as awesome as I always dreamed it would be, minus the nausea and sleepiness...

trucking forward

I am currently at 7 1/2 weeks. I am done with the weekly blood tests to monitor the change in my HcG, progesterone and estrogen levels! Yay! I had my first ultrasound this week and we found out that both embryos took so we are having twins. My husband is having a hard time wrapping his head around it. We are thrilled. I have one more appointment with my RE and then he expects to turn me over to an OB. For now I am doing any and all research on twins. Thankfully I have some good resources (between my mothers two sisters they had three sets of twins).

trying to catch reality

I am still trying to grasp the reality of it all. It seems unbelievable that after all these years my wish is finally being granted. A part of me keeps waiting for AF to come and take it all away.

I am trying to cherish every minute particularly as there is no guarantee I will ever get to experience another pregnancy. Which brings me to this comment seen on Facebook:

"frankly anyone who says they enjoy being pregnant is LYING! I'm 20 weeks and complain all the time lol! I think anyone who is pregnant gets a

free pass to complain. Sure it's a blessing, but also kind of miserable at the same time."

Reading this strengthens my resolve to not complain about pregnancy. I am so grateful to even have this opportunity and mindful that there are still so many women who are waiting for it. It is a blessing to be pregnant and anyone who has dealt with infertility understands that any kind of sickness or discomfort is a small price to pay for the ultimate dream.

bfp

Well I got the call on Saturday and they said it was a good high number, I am pregnant. It doesn't feel real to me.

The excitement of the news has been somewhat dulled by the constant reminders I get from seemingly everyone that it could still end in miscarriage. My father in law told me to be cautiously enthusiastic. Really? I have been the one who has dealt with every disappointment for the last 2+ years, do they all really think that I am the one blind to the risks? I don't need or want everyone reminding me of the possibility of miscarriage, I know it is there. If it comes to that it comes to that. I can't control it but I don't need the worse case scenario thrown at me with EVERY SINGLE conversation that I have. What ever happened to the power of positive thinking?

real or fake

I have had some lovely nausea the last couple of days, meat makes me gag. The question is this, do I feel nausea from the estradial and progesterone? Is it because I desperately want any sign that I could be pregnant? Or is it because one or both of these embryos are going to make all of my dreams come true? Less than a week until I find the answer out. Let's hope it is because of the last one though.

here we go

Two eggs fertilized, the third was not a good egg so they didn't inject it with sperm. They transferred the two fertilized embryos yesterday, one was 8 cells and the other was 11 but they said they were both progressing as they should. Now I am just taking it easy and waiting.

retrieval

I went in for retrieval this morning. There were 6-7 mature follicles but only 3 eggs. They decided to inject the sperm directly into the eggs since there were so few. Tomorrow we get the report on how they fertilize.

I am frustrated and sad at the small number of eggs but trying to remember that it could be worse. At least I got three.

I swear I can feel my ovaries swelling. It looks like I will only have 7 mature follicles. Which I guess is good considering it is still more than I have ever had, but I am disappointed that it is down from the 9-10. I have to go in again tomorrow for more blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said that he thinks tomorrow will be the ovidrel day and Sat. we will retrieve the eggs.

hopeful in austin

I went to the Dr. yesterday. It looks like there are 9-10 follicles, he seems much happier about that. I go in again tomorrow and am anticipating retrieval later this week. The largest follicle was 15mm yesterday and my estrogen was around 1100 (although I really have no idea what that means). The nausea has been hitting hard this week and I have pretty much lost my appetite. The ultrasounds are so painful, I assume this is because my ovaries are probably larger than usual.

What I am really working on is no stress. I think I am doing well, I am just relaxing. Today I started a painting. This is so much the opposite of my other treatments when I was working full time, going to school full time and doing treatments. Hopefully the stress free zone helps.

I have ordered a calligraphy sign to be put up in our bedroom. I am making it my 'way to make it through IVF' gift. With five shots a day I think I have earned it. It is going to say 'Life is good.' This is something my Dad told me to remember last year when I was seriously struggling with infertility. Either way this ends up I want to remember that. To me is symbolizes how far we have come in this journey. If things don't end up the way we wish it will be a reminder to look for the positive.

Wish me luck with my Dr. appointment tomorrow. Hopefully we will be getting the go ahead for Ovidrel.