the two week wait

When a Dr. tells you there is a good looking follicle and that you have a 20-25% chance of conceiving naturally (over the course of a year unlike others my age which have that percentage EVERY MONTH), hopes get raised. I am in that two week waiting period where you analyze every turn of the stomach and every cramp, hoping and praying that it means that maybe this is the month. After my last treatment round I decided to take a couple of months off of charting and consistent watch for the signs of ovulation. I didn't miss the stress or the anxiety or the two week wait period.

I go running and I worry about pushing myself too hard. What if this is the month and what if pushing myself compromises that? Realistically, it probably isn't the month and running likely won't compromise anything one way or the other. I will likely be disappointed when AF comes, again. Every 28 days, as regular as a damn train schedule. Still, I can't help but hope and worry.

Maybe, hopefully, I will get to pull the pregnancy tests out of the back of the cabinet. It is a double edged sword though, because maybe, hopefully, I will get the answer I want. But maybe I will get that lame one line and have the sinking in my gut sensation. Infertility has turned me into a pessimist. I am ready for the sunny side of the rainbow.

two steps forward, two steps right back

I flew across the country this weekend to get another opinion. My parents met me in San Fran so they could attend the appointment with me (my husband is finishing up school and couldn't come). After the last Dr. appointment I had an emotional breakdown. Nothing like being told your baby making days are numbered. It was after that my parents decided no more appointments alone.

Anyway, the new Doc. She agrees that I have POI. But says it is not nearly as severe as the last Doc told me, which puts her in line with the first Doc. Borderline POI. Good news? Yes, undoubtedly. She recommends having a yearly AMH test to keep track of my egg supply. She also thinks IUI is a reasonable treatment plan for me, at least for 2-3 tries.

I feel uncertain now. What treatments should I pursue, what blood tests should I take? I don't have a clear path or plan anymore and I feel tired. Tired of doctors, of treatments, of uncertainties. Do I wait until I move in 2 months and then find a new doctor and start treatments? Do I try and squeeze one more treatment in before graduation and moving? Do I try IUI or just go for IVF?

I don't know where to go from here or what decisions to make.

fertility charm

I read that in ancient cultures the wild turkey signifies gratitude, abundance and fertility. Now I am contemplating finding a wild turkey to stand by. Maybe some of the fertility vibes will transfer to me. Then again birds and I have a dubious past, I may just end up being attacked by a wild turkey.

raise your hand if you're ready

I feel ready. Ready to get pregnant, ready to have a baby, ready to plan a nursery, ready for a new challenge. I am coming up on my one year mark from when I started testing for fertility problems, the initial diagnosis and treatments. Almost to the two year mark from when my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying to get pregnant.

I read friends blogs announcing second pregnancy's and asking themselves if they are really ready for this new challenge. I can't relate to their experience, I am ready. I have waited and continue to wait. It comes so easily to these women, do they appreciate their good fortune?

My patience is waning, I am ready. And yet, it still feels so far away. Maybe I will start collecting nursery items to distract myself. Then I will really be ready.

hyper-sensitive vs. insensitive

Yesterday I was explaining our situation to a woman I know. Her immediate response? "Well adoption is a great thing and has blessed so many people we know." Yes, adoption is a great thing, something my husband and I have seriously considered. We made the decision that since my fertile years are fleeting we should pull all the stops to have biological children now.

When I was telling my husband about my frustration with her response he replied "it's like on Modern Family!" Did you see last weeks episode? Where Phil is in a salon and trying to gauge how to respond to Claire's problems and eventually discovers that all he needs to say is, "That is so hard for you, I am so sorry." The same applies to infertility. It is an awkward subject to discuss and most people feel in those situations they need to provide a positive solution. The real thing I need is support and love. I am already seeking solutions.

So when in doubt, turn to Phil's sage advice and say, "That is so hard for you, I am so sorry."

is it the thought that counts?

My friends are all having babies. It seriously feels like ALL. Being the emotional wreck I am I have refrained from too many phone calls or e-mails because I don't want to rain on their parade. I found my balance point. I have started sending small gifts to friends having babies. I hope this let's them know that I love them, I am happy for them, but I need a little time before I can call them and gush with them over their happy news. I do love them, and I will get to that point. I just need a little time to close any open wounds on my heart.

my scariest day

Some days I know that I need to talk about what is going on, which is why I started this blog. I have never told my husband, my family or my friends about that fleeting thought, I am scared of their reaction.

I was watching Eat, Pray, Love last night, it struck a chord with me. I want to take control of my life and emotions again, to be the person I used to be. I don't think I can be that person but I need to try and morph into a different person. One who can juggle infertility with emotional stability.

I took a positive step yesterday. I made an appointment at Stanford. I have put it off because it is the last step in deciding where I will do IVF, it is the last step in my last step in infertility. It scared me. I got past the fear and am moving forward. A positive step.