bi-coastal blood test

I used to wonder what could be worse than the two week wait? Now I know. Waiting for blood test results. My California Dr. wanted me to have my AMH results re-done. Apparently there is no standard on how to determine results for AMH and so she wanted me to have the test re-taken and sent to the lab she uses so she could give me an accurate reading of the test. So last week I had a travelling phlebotomist take my blood while I was on vacation in Pennsylvania, she then sent my blood to the lab in Massachusetts who will in turn send the results to the Dr. in California who should call me in Michigan with the results. This is seriously a bi-coastal test. But the wait is killing me. My last test was 0.3 as in only 0.3 away from no eggs. I am crossing my fingers that the next test will have a higher egg count. Please, please, please have a higher egg count.

The 0.3 test result has made me think about my future in infertility. If that test is true my time to have children is really limited. It makes me sad, I wanted 4-6 kids. Will I get 1? It makes me wonder if I should really consider my sister's offer of eggs. Which makes me wonder how I feel about using my sister's eggs. Will I look at the children and always think of them as my sister's children? I don't know. Is being genetically linked enough? Is it better to have my children be my husband's children and still be genetically linked to me or is better to adopt? I don't know how I feel about any of these questions. It makes me feel shallow to wonder if I could love them the same way, but I worry about that.

These questions make me want the 'easy' solution-enough eggs to have my own children. I don't want to have to have a serious inner-debate of adoption vs. my using my sister's eggs. Is it weird that the thought of using my sister's eggs weirds me out?

I had my last day of work today. A woman I work with was talking about how she is sure I will want to start a family in the next couple of years. I nodded my head. She continued talking about how since I am 26 I have plenty of time. All I could think was, if only you knew how little time I have.

all over the map

I am moving in a week to Texas. It signifies a new chapter in my life. We are entering post-student life. I am very excited about this change because we will be living by family, have disposable income, and start IVF in the next six months or so. I haven't gotten a job, although I have applied for three. I am not certain that I want a job with IVF coming up. With the last couple of treatments I had a hard time balancing the stress of treatments with work and school. Granted I won't be doing school this time around but I am scared to go down that road again.

I had constant nausea, constant tension and depression. I don't know how much will return just by starting treatments again, and if we are being honest the depression still has its moments. I guess what I dread is having to explain to people why I am not actively/half-heartedly searching for a job.

In other news, we just got back from a post-graduation road trip. We went to see a couple of our siblings on the east coast. Both have babies, and it was nice to play with babies. in my husband's family there have been five nephews born in the last 4 months, two over this past week. I am so excited about the new nephews but with each arrival the feeling of being insufficient and on the outside is refreshed. We have 24 nieces and nephews and counting, and with each e-mail gushing about perfect new grandchildren and the accomplishments of other grandchildren, I feel like I have nothing to bring to the table.

There is a silver lining to this time I get before starting IVF. I am going to focus on me and trying to develop new and old talents. I want to get back to the person I used to be, to stop focusing on what I don't have.

one tree hill

I have been watching Grey's Anatomy sparingly this season, so I am not sure how far they have gotten into Meredith's inhospitable uterus. One Tree Hill is a new favorite of mine and I have definitely been intrigued with Brooke's infertility storyline. I feel connected to her character in a way that is new to me, I can relate to her struggles. I know exactly how it feels to sit in that doctor's office and hear that news. I know how much it can hurt to watch your best friends have new babies and to feel the conflicting emotions of happiness for them and hurt for yourself. So when I finished watching this week's episode and heard Brooke tell her husband that she was pregnant, I felt hope. Hope for me. Maybe I will get that moment one day too.

and..... another step back

After meeting with the specialist in San Francisco, it was recommended that I get my AMH levels tested. My RE agreed. I got the test results back. 0.3. I asked what a normal 26 year old would be and the answer? 1.0.

It is times like these that all the numbness rolls away and I am left feeling desperate and asking why. Why? I am 26 years old! I shouldn't have to know what AMH is or even care about my ovarian reserve. I don't want to wonder how many years I have left to have children. I don't want to have to consider donor eggs, or get offers from my sisters. I don't want to have to talk to my parents and brothers about my eggs.

I feel broken. I am not working. My body is not working. I had so much hope after San Fran, I was borderline. Now I am very low, red zone. All I want is to be like my friends on facebook. In labor, trying to figure out potty training or how on earth to keep a child asleep after 6 AM. Those are problems I want.

when you feel nothing at all

I have become numb to the emotions of infertility. I think this is greatly aided by the fact that I have taken 5 months off of treatments. I saw the Dr. today and IVF it is. And I feel numb. Maybe I am confusing sadness to nothing/numbness, I don't know. I don't want to have to worry about making the decision on when to start, how to come up with the money. The list goes on and on and on and on. I just want a baby. Is that so much to ask?

P.S. Blood drawn today for an AMH test. My arm looks like some one killed it from the inside. Worst. Blood draw. EVER!

P.P.S. The two week wait is over. I should become a professional pregnancy test taker. I fail with such regularity that I could be the control part of a study.

Q & A

Question:
The only discernible benefit

of infertility so far?

Answer:

Side trips to St. Louis and

San Fran to see specialists.

the two week wait

When a Dr. tells you there is a good looking follicle and that you have a 20-25% chance of conceiving naturally (over the course of a year unlike others my age which have that percentage EVERY MONTH), hopes get raised. I am in that two week waiting period where you analyze every turn of the stomach and every cramp, hoping and praying that it means that maybe this is the month. After my last treatment round I decided to take a couple of months off of charting and consistent watch for the signs of ovulation. I didn't miss the stress or the anxiety or the two week wait period.

I go running and I worry about pushing myself too hard. What if this is the month and what if pushing myself compromises that? Realistically, it probably isn't the month and running likely won't compromise anything one way or the other. I will likely be disappointed when AF comes, again. Every 28 days, as regular as a damn train schedule. Still, I can't help but hope and worry.

Maybe, hopefully, I will get to pull the pregnancy tests out of the back of the cabinet. It is a double edged sword though, because maybe, hopefully, I will get the answer I want. But maybe I will get that lame one line and have the sinking in my gut sensation. Infertility has turned me into a pessimist. I am ready for the sunny side of the rainbow.