trying to catch reality

I am still trying to grasp the reality of it all. It seems unbelievable that after all these years my wish is finally being granted. A part of me keeps waiting for AF to come and take it all away.

I am trying to cherish every minute particularly as there is no guarantee I will ever get to experience another pregnancy. Which brings me to this comment seen on Facebook:

"frankly anyone who says they enjoy being pregnant is LYING! I'm 20 weeks and complain all the time lol! I think anyone who is pregnant gets a

free pass to complain. Sure it's a blessing, but also kind of miserable at the same time."

Reading this strengthens my resolve to not complain about pregnancy. I am so grateful to even have this opportunity and mindful that there are still so many women who are waiting for it. It is a blessing to be pregnant and anyone who has dealt with infertility understands that any kind of sickness or discomfort is a small price to pay for the ultimate dream.

bfp

Well I got the call on Saturday and they said it was a good high number, I am pregnant. It doesn't feel real to me.

The excitement of the news has been somewhat dulled by the constant reminders I get from seemingly everyone that it could still end in miscarriage. My father in law told me to be cautiously enthusiastic. Really? I have been the one who has dealt with every disappointment for the last 2+ years, do they all really think that I am the one blind to the risks? I don't need or want everyone reminding me of the possibility of miscarriage, I know it is there. If it comes to that it comes to that. I can't control it but I don't need the worse case scenario thrown at me with EVERY SINGLE conversation that I have. What ever happened to the power of positive thinking?

real or fake

I have had some lovely nausea the last couple of days, meat makes me gag. The question is this, do I feel nausea from the estradial and progesterone? Is it because I desperately want any sign that I could be pregnant? Or is it because one or both of these embryos are going to make all of my dreams come true? Less than a week until I find the answer out. Let's hope it is because of the last one though.

here we go

Two eggs fertilized, the third was not a good egg so they didn't inject it with sperm. They transferred the two fertilized embryos yesterday, one was 8 cells and the other was 11 but they said they were both progressing as they should. Now I am just taking it easy and waiting.

retrieval

I went in for retrieval this morning. There were 6-7 mature follicles but only 3 eggs. They decided to inject the sperm directly into the eggs since there were so few. Tomorrow we get the report on how they fertilize.

I am frustrated and sad at the small number of eggs but trying to remember that it could be worse. At least I got three.

I swear I can feel my ovaries swelling. It looks like I will only have 7 mature follicles. Which I guess is good considering it is still more than I have ever had, but I am disappointed that it is down from the 9-10. I have to go in again tomorrow for more blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said that he thinks tomorrow will be the ovidrel day and Sat. we will retrieve the eggs.

hopeful in austin

I went to the Dr. yesterday. It looks like there are 9-10 follicles, he seems much happier about that. I go in again tomorrow and am anticipating retrieval later this week. The largest follicle was 15mm yesterday and my estrogen was around 1100 (although I really have no idea what that means). The nausea has been hitting hard this week and I have pretty much lost my appetite. The ultrasounds are so painful, I assume this is because my ovaries are probably larger than usual.

What I am really working on is no stress. I think I am doing well, I am just relaxing. Today I started a painting. This is so much the opposite of my other treatments when I was working full time, going to school full time and doing treatments. Hopefully the stress free zone helps.

I have ordered a calligraphy sign to be put up in our bedroom. I am making it my 'way to make it through IVF' gift. With five shots a day I think I have earned it. It is going to say 'Life is good.' This is something my Dad told me to remember last year when I was seriously struggling with infertility. Either way this ends up I want to remember that. To me is symbolizes how far we have come in this journey. If things don't end up the way we wish it will be a reminder to look for the positive.

Wish me luck with my Dr. appointment tomorrow. Hopefully we will be getting the go ahead for Ovidrel.