Sunday, February 17, 2013

I thought it might be different

So my good friend AF returned in December.  I am still breast feeding which made it unexpected.  We are trying a little more actively to get pregnant on our own.  To be honest I thought it would be less stressful this time around.  The old feelings have returned in spades.  The disappointment every time my period comes.  The worry of missing a window.  Did you know that I wanted 4+ children?  I still have a hard time readjusting that dream.  I remind myself constantly how lucky I am to have my 2 but then I find myself dreaming of a couple more.  I want to be ok with the likely possibility that two is what I get, and how lucky that makes me.   I don't want to always be wistful about the others that I didn't get.  Because two is amazing.

We are saving up for another round of ivf in the likely event that trying on our own unsuccessful.  Buying a house is on hold as is a second car because right now is all about babies and trying to have them while I still can.

1 comment:

  1. AF returned for me in January despite BF'ing and I've had the weirdest thoughts around O time because after so many years of hyperawareness I can't let it go. And, we don't plan on having anymore kids, but somehow I want to try anyway. Which is crazy because that is just stress world!

    I hope so much that you can get the family that you want! Everyone deserves that.