Tuesday, July 13, 2010

living in thirty day increments

Lately I feel like I live my life in thirty day increments, or twenty eight if we are being exact. Fertility changes the pattern. 1 week of pills+1 week of shots+2 weeks of waiting= 1 month of counting days. Time has taken on a different meaning, I can feel it passing. I am 25 now but if I get pregnant I will be 26 and possibly close to 27 when I have a child. Which means it won't be until 28 or 29 that I have another child. I try not to think about it too much because it gives me anxiety.

Everything changed the day my Dr. explained FSH levels to me. All of a sudden I went from plenty of time to build a family to "if you want more than one child we start right now." Shell shock is the only way to describe how I felt at that moment. People try and comfort me with reminding me how young I am and that there is plenty of time. All I want to do is yell that time is running out, it doesn't matter how young I am because my baby making days will be gone long before theirs will. Youth doesn't help me.

Friday, July 9, 2010


I hope that if/when I get pregnant that I will really take the time to appreciate what a miracle it is. The thought that women are cavalier when talking about getting pregnant often upsets me. I want to yell at them to appreciate that they can get pregnant, to appreciate those small moments because there are so many of us who go to great lengths to achieve those moments.

The day I had to learn to inject myself with hormones was a an eye opener for me. It was a turning point for me. From that point on I have struggled to keep a positive attitude about this experience. The potential joy of pregnancy is over shadowed by almost weekly doctor appointments, constant drugs and their side effects. It can be so exhausting. At times I want to throw in the towel. I have lent a friend the pregnancy clothes that I bought when I first started trying, when I thought getting pregnant would be easy. I can't stand to have them in my closet mocking me anymore. I keep reminding myself that it is all worth it. This blog post helped. One of those things that popped up on my google reader and made me think, this is just what I need right now. Perspective.

the beginning

Infertility sucks. Need I say more? As I have embarked on my infertile journey I have searched for information on my condition (poor ovarian reserve, high/borderline FSH levels) and have found there is next to nothing that addresses this condition in women under 35. So I started searching for books, websites, blogs, really anything that addresses infertility in your 20's. There is so little available for those of us who have these experiences during our peak fertility years.

I started trying to have children at 24. After 9 months of the same result my husband and I started looking into infertility testing. Initially many Doctor's were dismissive of me, 25 with regular periods? The answer was initially to keep trying for three months and then they would consider testing me. I pushed and had blood work and other tests completed where they discovered that my FSH was at 11, higher than it should be for someone my age. All of a sudden I was thrown into the world of infertility with few resources. A few of my friends could empathize with the clomid experience but as I move past that stage I find myself increasingly alone in an environment of fertile women. Is it that there are so few women who struggle with this in their 20's or is that we just don't talk about it?

Initially I found talking to my peers to comforting, I have tried to be very open with my experience with fertility. Unfortunately infertility tends to get darker the further you get into and few people are willing or able to delve into it with me. It is hard to try to put a continually positive spin on something that is so discouraging. It is hard to share my negative feelings with friends who have 2 children or are 2, 4, 6 months pregnant. They want to bask in their exciting new path, and who can blame them? I hate the feeling that I am continually raining on their parade, that people feel nervous to tell me that they are pregnant but the sad truth is that it's hard to hear every month that a new friend or relative is pregnant. I feel left behind.