Tuesday, July 13, 2010

living in thirty day increments

Lately I feel like I live my life in thirty day increments, or twenty eight if we are being exact. Fertility changes the pattern. 1 week of pills+1 week of shots+2 weeks of waiting= 1 month of counting days. Time has taken on a different meaning, I can feel it passing. I am 25 now but if I get pregnant I will be 26 and possibly close to 27 when I have a child. Which means it won't be until 28 or 29 that I have another child. I try not to think about it too much because it gives me anxiety.

Everything changed the day my Dr. explained FSH levels to me. All of a sudden I went from plenty of time to build a family to "if you want more than one child we start right now." Shell shock is the only way to describe how I felt at that moment. People try and comfort me with reminding me how young I am and that there is plenty of time. All I want to do is yell that time is running out, it doesn't matter how young I am because my baby making days will be gone long before theirs will. Youth doesn't help me.

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