Monday, August 26, 2013

You don't choose IVF, it chooses you.

I don't think the general public understands IVF.  Many seem to view is as a way to control an outcome.  $15,000 to guarantee a boy, a girl or twins, they think, what a bargain!  Really? $15,000 for what you can do for free?  And that's a bargain?

IVF isn't something that you do for the hell of it.  You don't put yourself through the physical and emotional side effects just because.  You don't take multiple pills and make yourself a pin cushion unless you have run out of other options.  Everything else failed.  IVF is a last resort.

Ethical issues about choosing gender or multiples aside the truth about IVF is that it's not a guarantee.  It's a gamble.  It doesn't always work.  Embryos don't always take.  The harsh reality, that is our reality, is one that the general public doesn't get.

Which brings me to my next point.  Who really thinks that it is okay to talk to an infertile about this?  Treating IVF as it is a casual thing.  The insensitivity astounds me.  Making one of the most emotional experiences of my life into no big deal?
 'Anyone should do it if they want a boy/girl/multiples!'
 'It's no big deal to pony up that kind of money to have a baby!'

 I mean really?

Monday, August 12, 2013

the purple pills

My hormone check came back and my numbers were higher.  AMH was up from .20 to .70.  FSH went from 11 to 6.  I was kind of shocked.  I knew that numbers could fluctuate but I guess I never really expected them too.  The Dr. said all it really means is that I am at the same place I was before.  Which is good.  It means that I am no worse than I was then, except that I am two years older.  The Dr.  told me that sooner is better than later for another round of IVF.  My husband and I decided to re-evaluate our feelings of readiness in November.

The doc also told me to start taking DHEA hormone supplements.  Apparently some research shows that they help poor responders, such as myself, respond better during IVF.  So I picked them up a month and a half ago and on my counter they sit.  Unopened, untouched.  They stare me down every time I brush my teeth.  There is something about taking the supplement that scares me a little.  It is like it will start up the cycle of hope and disappointment and emotional ups and downs that accompany infertility.  I've been on that merry-go-round and I have mixed feelings about hopping back on.  I know I want to and will try IVF again.  I also know that the fact it worked last time was nothing short of a miracle.  I remember all too well the emotional baggage that accompanies active infertility solution seeking.  I don't every take pre-natals because it feels like it adds that pressure of wishing for a baby so hard every month and getting the constant rejection in return.  Is that strange?  Logically I know that it is somewhat irresponsible seeing as I am using no birth control.  I know I should take all these pills but I'm scared to get back on this particular carousel.