Monday, August 12, 2013

the purple pills

My hormone check came back and my numbers were higher.  AMH was up from .20 to .70.  FSH went from 11 to 6.  I was kind of shocked.  I knew that numbers could fluctuate but I guess I never really expected them too.  The Dr. said all it really means is that I am at the same place I was before.  Which is good.  It means that I am no worse than I was then, except that I am two years older.  The Dr.  told me that sooner is better than later for another round of IVF.  My husband and I decided to re-evaluate our feelings of readiness in November.

The doc also told me to start taking DHEA hormone supplements.  Apparently some research shows that they help poor responders, such as myself, respond better during IVF.  So I picked them up a month and a half ago and on my counter they sit.  Unopened, untouched.  They stare me down every time I brush my teeth.  There is something about taking the supplement that scares me a little.  It is like it will start up the cycle of hope and disappointment and emotional ups and downs that accompany infertility.  I've been on that merry-go-round and I have mixed feelings about hopping back on.  I know I want to and will try IVF again.  I also know that the fact it worked last time was nothing short of a miracle.  I remember all too well the emotional baggage that accompanies active infertility solution seeking.  I don't every take pre-natals because it feels like it adds that pressure of wishing for a baby so hard every month and getting the constant rejection in return.  Is that strange?  Logically I know that it is somewhat irresponsible seeing as I am using no birth control.  I know I should take all these pills but I'm scared to get back on this particular carousel.


  1. I get it. I remember I started prenatals before I even started trying to give myself all those good things before a baby even stuck. Then the Metformin, which the Dr.'s said would TOTALLY work to sort my body out and get me pregnant. Yeah, I waiting two years to even see that positive.
    It's so hard to put yourself in the position of hoping when it scares the crap out of you. When you are ready, open the pills. Until then, just give yourself whatever you need in the moment. Hang in there.

  2. Tried to comment before but it kept getting deleted.... Trying again.

    Glad to hear your numbers are better -- definitely good to know that things are at least not getting worse quickly.

    There's a certain point where it all feels too "real" and I can understand not wanting to get back on the roller coaster of emotions that is IF. I'm at a point where the thought of trying again is SO overwhelming that I can't even imagine doing it. I feel like SUCH a different person from when I was "in it." I don't know how I made it through it.