all over the map

I am moving in a week to Texas. It signifies a new chapter in my life. We are entering post-student life. I am very excited about this change because we will be living by family, have disposable income, and start IVF in the next six months or so. I haven't gotten a job, although I have applied for three. I am not certain that I want a job with IVF coming up. With the last couple of treatments I had a hard time balancing the stress of treatments with work and school. Granted I won't be doing school this time around but I am scared to go down that road again.

I had constant nausea, constant tension and depression. I don't know how much will return just by starting treatments again, and if we are being honest the depression still has its moments. I guess what I dread is having to explain to people why I am not actively/half-heartedly searching for a job.

In other news, we just got back from a post-graduation road trip. We went to see a couple of our siblings on the east coast. Both have babies, and it was nice to play with babies. in my husband's family there have been five nephews born in the last 4 months, two over this past week. I am so excited about the new nephews but with each arrival the feeling of being insufficient and on the outside is refreshed. We have 24 nieces and nephews and counting, and with each e-mail gushing about perfect new grandchildren and the accomplishments of other grandchildren, I feel like I have nothing to bring to the table.

There is a silver lining to this time I get before starting IVF. I am going to focus on me and trying to develop new and old talents. I want to get back to the person I used to be, to stop focusing on what I don't have.