I went home over the holiday break, it was wonderful to see friends and family. Many of them gave me hugs and told me how often they think and pray for me. It made me feel loved. On the flip side I had to sit through many long conversations about pregnancy, infants and motherhood which hurt. I sat through it, saying as little as possible to help me stop myself from bursting into tears, especially when one friend exclaimed, "this is the first time in years none of us have been pregnant!" A simple, harmless statement that felt like salt in the wound.
I was able to hold all my friends babies without crying, but I did cry in conversations with friends and sobbed my way through asking a dear friend for a recommendation for adoption (apparently I am not ready to complete that process yet).
I am trying not to be upset with myself for losing control emotionally and accept that it is all a part of the experience of infertility.