Monday, January 31, 2011

but are you really infertile

When someone tells me a story of someone they know who was infertile but got "pregs" doing this or that the first time I get a competitive feeling, were they really infertile? Do they really know what it means to feel your hopes get torn apart month after month? Do they know they physical and emotional toll that fertility drugs and infertility in general put on a person? Do they know the slight twinge of pain felt each time a friend or family member announces they are expecting?

I am trying to work on reminding myself that this journey is hard for all women who have to embark on it, not just me. The pain in my heart is so real though. Who ever expects that they will be told at 26 that they will likely reach menopause by 35. 35, what? That is supposed to be the age where I enter the high risk zone, not the age where I start to relate to women in their 50's!

My heart is breaking, I can't stop crying. Having babies isn't supposed to be this hard, not when you are 26. Looking at blogs and facebook has become harder as more friends post about their ups and downs of parenthood. When they post about their frustrations or fleeting anger it takes restraint for me to stop myself from replying, be grateful you have that problem. What I wouldn't give to have that problem. I made my sister feel bad the other day when she said something about having to fly across the country with a baby, I replied saying I wish I had that problem. It made her feel guilty, it made me feel bad because I hurt her.

But my heart is breaking and yet I have to remind myself that it could be worse for me. At least I still have a chance to have my own baby. Something about talking eggs and fertilization and sperm counts takes the magic out of baby making but I have to realize that modern science is magic, it is what is giving me the chance to have children. I promise myself this, if I get that chance, I will be so grateful. I will cherish those moments because they are hard to come by and not all women get them.

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