Monday, February 14, 2011

my censor is broken

I have become the person that causes awkward silences.

My husband and I went to a party this weekend where are game was played. One person would go around trying to guess from clues what the rest of the group was describing. Of course one round the group was to describe "your first born", lovely. My husband was "it" during this round, he went around the room twice and was unable to guess what we were describing, people began making their descriptions more and more obvious. He wasn't getting it. I finally said, "Mine will come from a petri dish." The room went awkwardly silent. He guessed it though, so does that mean I win?

I feel like instances like this are what highlight the fine line we straddle. In conversations I am constantly trying to remember that just because I hurt from not being able to have a baby doesn't mean that the rest of the world has to censor what is going on in their lives to insulate me. On the flip side I get frustrated with people's carelessness. I sit and listen to them complain about pregnancy and their children because that is where they are in life and I don't want to censor them and their experiences. It hurts to listen to it, to the point where I want to retreat from social situations.

The carelessness of this weekend's situation frustrates me, I feel like choosing "your first born child" as the game clue in mixed company is careless. It places me in an unnecessary awkward situation being the only one in the group who is childless and not pregnant. And when the truth about my situation comes out and is met with an awkward silence as a response, I am left feeling frustrated with myself and the situation and socially gauche.

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