and..... another step back

After meeting with the specialist in San Francisco, it was recommended that I get my AMH levels tested. My RE agreed. I got the test results back. 0.3. I asked what a normal 26 year old would be and the answer? 1.0.

It is times like these that all the numbness rolls away and I am left feeling desperate and asking why. Why? I am 26 years old! I shouldn't have to know what AMH is or even care about my ovarian reserve. I don't want to wonder how many years I have left to have children. I don't want to have to consider donor eggs, or get offers from my sisters. I don't want to have to talk to my parents and brothers about my eggs.

I feel broken. I am not working. My body is not working. I had so much hope after San Fran, I was borderline. Now I am very low, red zone. All I want is to be like my friends on facebook. In labor, trying to figure out potty training or how on earth to keep a child asleep after 6 AM. Those are problems I want.

when you feel nothing at all

I have become numb to the emotions of infertility. I think this is greatly aided by the fact that I have taken 5 months off of treatments. I saw the Dr. today and IVF it is. And I feel numb. Maybe I am confusing sadness to nothing/numbness, I don't know. I don't want to have to worry about making the decision on when to start, how to come up with the money. The list goes on and on and on and on. I just want a baby. Is that so much to ask?

P.S. Blood drawn today for an AMH test. My arm looks like some one killed it from the inside. Worst. Blood draw. EVER!

P.P.S. The two week wait is over. I should become a professional pregnancy test taker. I fail with such regularity that I could be the control part of a study.

Q & A

Question:
The only discernible benefit

of infertility so far?

Answer:

Side trips to St. Louis and

San Fran to see specialists.

the two week wait

When a Dr. tells you there is a good looking follicle and that you have a 20-25% chance of conceiving naturally (over the course of a year unlike others my age which have that percentage EVERY MONTH), hopes get raised. I am in that two week waiting period where you analyze every turn of the stomach and every cramp, hoping and praying that it means that maybe this is the month. After my last treatment round I decided to take a couple of months off of charting and consistent watch for the signs of ovulation. I didn't miss the stress or the anxiety or the two week wait period.

I go running and I worry about pushing myself too hard. What if this is the month and what if pushing myself compromises that? Realistically, it probably isn't the month and running likely won't compromise anything one way or the other. I will likely be disappointed when AF comes, again. Every 28 days, as regular as a damn train schedule. Still, I can't help but hope and worry.

Maybe, hopefully, I will get to pull the pregnancy tests out of the back of the cabinet. It is a double edged sword though, because maybe, hopefully, I will get the answer I want. But maybe I will get that lame one line and have the sinking in my gut sensation. Infertility has turned me into a pessimist. I am ready for the sunny side of the rainbow.