You don't choose IVF, it chooses you.

I don't think the general public understands IVF.  Many seem to view is as a way to control an outcome.  $15,000 to guarantee a boy, a girl or twins, they think, what a bargain!  Really? $15,000 for what you can do for free?  And that's a bargain?

IVF isn't something that you do for the hell of it.  You don't put yourself through the physical and emotional side effects just because.  You don't take multiple pills and make yourself a pin cushion unless you have run out of other options.  Everything else failed.  IVF is a last resort.

Ethical issues about choosing gender or multiples aside the truth about IVF is that it's not a guarantee.  It's a gamble.  It doesn't always work.  Embryos don't always take.  The harsh reality, that is our reality, is one that the general public doesn't get.

Which brings me to my next point.  Who really thinks that it is okay to talk to an infertile about this?  Treating IVF as it is a casual thing.  The insensitivity astounds me.  Making one of the most emotional experiences of my life into no big deal?
 'Anyone should do it if they want a boy/girl/multiples!'
 'It's no big deal to pony up that kind of money to have a baby!'

 I mean really?

the purple pills

My hormone check came back and my numbers were higher.  AMH was up from .20 to .70.  FSH went from 11 to 6.  I was kind of shocked.  I knew that numbers could fluctuate but I guess I never really expected them too.  The Dr. said all it really means is that I am at the same place I was before.  Which is good.  It means that I am no worse than I was then, except that I am two years older.  The Dr.  told me that sooner is better than later for another round of IVF.  My husband and I decided to re-evaluate our feelings of readiness in November.

The doc also told me to start taking DHEA hormone supplements.  Apparently some research shows that they help poor responders, such as myself, respond better during IVF.  So I picked them up a month and a half ago and on my counter they sit.  Unopened, untouched.  They stare me down every time I brush my teeth.  There is something about taking the supplement that scares me a little.  It is like it will start up the cycle of hope and disappointment and emotional ups and downs that accompany infertility.  I've been on that merry-go-round and I have mixed feelings about hopping back on.  I know I want to and will try IVF again.  I also know that the fact it worked last time was nothing short of a miracle.  I remember all too well the emotional baggage that accompanies active infertility solution seeking.  I don't every take pre-natals because it feels like it adds that pressure of wishing for a baby so hard every month and getting the constant rejection in return.  Is that strange?  Logically I know that it is somewhat irresponsible seeing as I am using no birth control.  I know I should take all these pills but I'm scared to get back on this particular carousel.

the day I turned 50

I had a hot flash last week.  Middle of the night sweating from every gland, can't cool off hot flash.  I am 28. 28!*%$#  I called my doctor to get all my hormone levels re-checked.  I went and picked up my blood kit and when I walked out of the doctors office I wanted to cry.  I had read in a book about how you never really heal from or get over infertility.  And today it feels true.

"Are your twins natural?"  It's the new "are you pregnant".  You know, that question that you should never ask.  I don't think people realize what exactly they are asking.  One of these days I am going to answer using the words, follicles, reproductive, menopause, eggs, sperm.  All the words I can think of that make everyday people uncomfortable and look at the point over your shoulder.

Wednesday night thoughts

I have been thinking about infertility today.  First, I was going through my blog roll and so happy to see how in the last two years how many of you have had your dreams come true.  I am so happy for you all and my heart is still hopeful for the rest who are still waiting.  I was reading one blog tonight and I had the thought, isn't it interesting how hyper aware we are of our bodies and the journey our babies had to existence?  I have  pictures of my babies before they were even implanted, I have a picture of them being implanted.  Do women who get pregnant without help even think about how this process happens?  I wonder.

I intend to put all these pictures in a book someday.  And perhaps even print out this blog as a kind of journal so my children understand just how much we anticipated them and the journey to get them.  Is that weird?  How do you explain to your children the emotions that surrounded getting pregnant and how much work went into it?  Do you?  I don't really know if that is over sharing or not.

I have had so much anxiety over how much time I have left to have children.  Somehow it was slightly alleviated this week.  It has been nice not to feel as much stress over it.  Although I did still stress out about whether my period was as long as it usually is and wondering if that means I am getting that much closer to menopause.  Menopause.  Bleh.  I had a talk with my doctor about what kind of treatments we will have to do when it comes.  Hormone replacement therapy.  I don't even really know what that means.

I thought it might be different

So my good friend AF returned in December.  I am still breast feeding which made it unexpected.  We are trying a little more actively to get pregnant on our own.  To be honest I thought it would be less stressful this time around.  The old feelings have returned in spades.  The disappointment every time my period comes.  The worry of missing a window.  Did you know that I wanted 4+ children?  I still have a hard time readjusting that dream.  I remind myself constantly how lucky I am to have my 2 but then I find myself dreaming of a couple more.  I want to be ok with the likely possibility that two is what I get, and how lucky that makes me.   I don't want to always be wistful about the others that I didn't get.  Because two is amazing.

We are saving up for another round of ivf in the likely event that trying on our own unsuccessful.  Buying a house is on hold as is a second car because right now is all about babies and trying to have them while I still can.